Bill & Barbara, 1993
Monday, May 2: Taz woke up sick on his stomach. I filed the state taxes, did grocery shopping, saw The CEO’s dad Bill. Bill is worse. Wore: Teo Cabanel Early Roses (pretty-pretty, girly-girly, i.e. Just Up My Alley). Later, wore PdN Odalisque (my sample is not the original, it’s the reformulated), which is great but which I still don’t love. I can see a lot of resemblance between Odalisque and Mary Greenwell Plum, in the “white flowers over gentle chypre base” character, but Odalisque goes irisy and doesn’t have that deliciously tangy opening.
Bookworm was accepted at the Governor’s School for Science and Technology. I had no doubt, but she was terribly worried about it until the letter came today. It’ll be a lot of work for her, but I hope that the college-credit classes will be helpful.
Tuesday, May 3: Busy day. Worked on the novel some. Went by the rehab center, with the kids. It’s hard on them; I’m sure they understand what’s going on, but this is their grandfather. SOTD: Le Temps d’une Fete, because I needed the cheer.
Wednesday, May 4: Chilly day. Hung out laundry. SOTD: DSH Vert pour Madame on one wrist, DSH LiLi (Lily of the valley and Linden) on the other. VpM doesn’t smell terribly different than the Chypre Essense Oil that blew my mind last week, but somehow it seems… less. It was neither floral enough for me nor powerfully weird, like Chypre. LiLi, on the other hand, is really beautiful.
After those wore off, I put on PdR Rose Kashmirie (thanks, Tamara!). My first thought was, “Hey, there’s oud in this!” I wasn’t expecting that, and I’m still not exactly sure that it is oud. Oud is not mentioned in the notes list… and yet, right after I put it on, I got the distinctive, fresh-Band-Aid smell that’s characteristic of oud. It could be that RK just reminded me quite a lot of Montale White Aoud – which is true, particularly in the heart-drydown phase – but I’m still thinkin’ oud.
Gaze’s makeup track meet was canceled, due to chilly weather (low 50s) and the chance of rain. I took the kids by the rehab center to see Bill this afternoon. He is no longer able to focus his eyes, but he’s still aware of who’s there, and can still appreciate grandchild hugs.
Bill has been diagnosed with aggressive myeloma and kidney failure. His doctors have suggested that we consider removing the feeding tube and stopping treatment, and that they simply do what they can to make him comfortable. Barbara has agreed that this plan may be best. I think the feeding tube will come out either this evening or tomorrow, and she’s looking into Hospice. The family’s on board with her on this decision.
I’m sad. But I feel much the same as I did when my grandmother died this past winter: Bill had a good long life – productive, fruitful, mostly healthy, and rich in love. He’s been a good and faithful servant.
Cows and calves in the 20-acre field behind the house, July 2010
Thursday, May 5: Still chilly, but in the mid-60s today. Spent part of the day at the rehab center. Hospice has turned out to provide less medical support than Barbara feels she needs, and so Bill will stay at the rehab center. Feeding tube removed; Bill’s doctor says two to five days. SOTD: Chamade. So pretty.
Friday, May 6: Sang with my community chorus at the dedication of a new veterans’ cemetery in our home town. The high school band was there, too, and it was very nice to be able to participate in a concert with my daughter; I’ve got happy memories of singing next to my mom, when we used to sing in the same chorus. SOTD: Mary Greenwell Plum, which is currently the closest thing I have to a signature scent.
Went by the rehab center and held Bill’s hand while I sang some hymns for him. He’s having trouble breathing, and I’m not quite sure he knows who I am, though both of those things are probably side effects of the morphine. He does seem to know Barbara and The CEO’s sister E. The situation reminds me very much of how things were when my grandmother died five years ago. She’d gone into the hospital after a mini-stroke (TIA), and then developed a number of complications, one after the other: a UTI, pneumonia, a worsening of the pulmonary obstruction she’d been battling ever since working at a textile mill in her youth.
The CEO and I attended a “Night on Broadway” event hosted by the high school’s Fine Arts Department: musical pieces from the band and chorus; musical numbers and scenes by the drama department; an art exhibition; New York style cheesecake and coffee prepared by the culinary arts department. It was wonderful. I was able to pick out Bookworm’s short alto sax solo in the Andrew Lloyd Webber medley, though I couldn’t actually see her short little self on stage, and she did very well.
Saturday, May 7: The phone rang in the wee hours; it was Barbara calling us to let us know Bill had died. Things are unsettled. We barely went back to sleep. Got up early to take Bookworm to meet the track team bus. She’s been looking forward to this particular meet for weeks, and we decided not to tell her until she got home, which might be a mistake, but perhaps not. Gaze is philosophical: “He’s not hurting anymore. And we’ll see him again.” Taz is uncommunicative, which always indicates that he’s upset (he’s a chatty little thing when he’s happy).
The CEO went with his mom and sister to talk to the funeral home director and to the minister about arrangements. I cleaned house and mowed grass. SOTD: to go with the cut-grass smell, Crown Bouquet. I overspritzed, and don’t regret it a bit. I am now picking up on a small hint of vanilla in the base that I never noticed before. Interesting.
Bookworm’s relay team did well, placing fifth among some tough competition; the girls’ team placed 6th overall in a field of 29 teams at the invitational meet. We told her about Bill when she got home, and she was sad but not shocked, which seems to be the general reaction. The kids all saw him a few days ago and could tell he was getting weaker.
Sunday, May 8: Mother’s Day… I’m happy to be one. I feel blessed that the maternal figures on my life have been happy to be mothers as well. (Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Barbara. Thanks, Bambaw and Mawmaw Nell. I love you all.)
Bambaw, Mom, me, and Mawmaw Nell at my sister's wedding, 2002
We dropped off a gift for Barbara and invited her again to have lunch at my parents’ house. She said she’d rather stay home and get some rest, but she was planning to go to church first. She was looking forward to it, which I think is probably a good thing. Church was very meaningful today; it always makes me feel a little odd when there is a sermon about Mother’s Day, since not everyone is a mother, and so many people have conflicting or unpleasant feelings about the whole deal… there was a short, appreciative-but-unsappy video piece in praise of the services that mothers provide and in praise of the One who made them, and then we moved on with a sermon about faith in action (Luke 10, the Good Samaritan story juxtaposed with the Mary-Martha story).
Had a delicious lunch and a relaxing afternoon with Mom and Dad. I gave Mom, among some other items, samples of Gucci Flora, Hermes Kelly Caleche, and Hermes Eau des Merveilles. My guess is that her preference might be for EdM, but we’ll see.
Muse in Wooden Shoes 
Sorry to hear about your father-in-law, Mals! Praise God we have the hope of eternal life, and this life is only a shadow of what’s to come…and we will be reunited with those we love in Christ. XO
Then we will see in full, won’t we? Thanks for your support.
Yes, but until then…ugh. Some of it is just not fun.
Wow, what a week you’ve had. I’m sorry for the loss in your life and for the loneliness your mother-in-law is about to experience. That’s been one of the hardest things about losing my mother; watching my father miss her. But your family seems very strong and supportive – you are fortunate, indeed.
Sending my best to you and your family.
Thanks for the words of support, J. It has indeed been a tough week, and I am indeed fortunate in my family. I know we’ll do our best to keep Barbara involved and busy – it’s necessary to grieve, and you don’t lose a spouse of 48 years’ standing without grief and loneliness, but time will help. Keeping busy will help. I have a feeling grandchildren help, too.
I am sure your mother has been on your mind this week. I’ve been thinking of my grandmothers and missing them, remembering the good things that came from them… their stories, their foibles, their cooking, their legacies. (I had one grandmother who was an excellent cook, and one about whom the best you could say is that she would probably not manage to poison you. She could mess up deviled eggs, I swear. And did. She loved them and made them every time we had a family dinner or a church picnic, and they were dreadful: oversalted, dry and slimy at the same time. But I miss HER.)
Thing is, just because a family member has died, you don’t forget the love. That stays. It wraps its arms around you and stays. Sending comfort to you as you remember your mom –
My condolences, Mals … I don’t have anything wise to say, but am glad that you were all able to prepare for his passing and come to terms with it in a way. It seems to make things easier when you have a chance to say goodbye.
You’re right, we did all see what was coming and were able to prepare. The one exception was The CEO’s older sister J, who was out of the country and couldn’t get back in time (traveling in South America is an iffy proposition), but she was able to call on her cell phone and speak to her dad.
If it had been more sudden, or more lingering, it really would have been more difficult. Thanks for thinking of us.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. There aren’t any words that can change how anyone is feeling but I hope knowing that others care will comfort you and your family as you mourn him.
Thanks so much, Tara. It does help to know that others are thinking of us at this time.
I am sending hugs ,lovins and prayers.
Your strength and prose is evident my dearest.
I know you all will get them through this…bless the tinies, losing grandparents are hard.
I dread the day my mama leaves me and the girls…death doesn’t frighten me but the loneliness kinda does.
Your faith is what will get you through, I really believe that.
btw~uhh yeah girlfriend there is no oud in RK!
What the heck are you sniffin’ over there!? lol
xoxo~T
Awww, sweetie, thanks. The kids are okay – I mean, they’re sad, but they know it’s okay to be sad.
No oud in RK? I am doubting my sniffer. But I think you said you don’t smell any in White Aoud either, and it’s definitely there. Mind you, I like it. In fact, I think I got on better with RK than with WA.
I’d like to add my condolences and prayers. The comfort of Faith is one of its biggest blessings!
Thanks, Tammy. It is a joy to know that we’ll see each other again.
What a lovely portrait of Bill and Barbara. I too hope your family (your mother-in-law especially) will have serenity during this time.
Thanks, HV… I couldn’t have had a better set of in-laws if I’d picked them out of a catalog.
This will be a very big adjustment for Barbara. She took care of her kids, and then within a year of getting all of them launched on their own, her father went into the nursing home and needed care. After he died, her mother needed nursing at home for some years and then went into the nursing home. Very soon after she died, Bill began to need some taking care of, following his first stroke (this was ten years ago) and heart attack and broken leg and diabetes. He had been having a hard time getting around over the last year or so.
Now she’s going to have all this spare time on her hands. We’ll have to make sure she fills it with something meaningful.
I hope that all your wonderful memories of your father-in-law will be a comfort to you. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you, A. He was really a terrific person and we will miss him. We’ve been telling stories about him a lot lately, which seems to help.
Adding my condolences on the loss of your father-in-law, also to your mother-in-law and of course the CEO and all your family. He looks a lovely chap in this photo. At least you will have one another’s support during the coming weeks and months. It’s tough though. My OH’s mum was widowed two years ago after 53 years of marriage and is still struggling to adjust. The loved one leaves a huge hole after all that time.
Thanks, V. He was a wonderful FIL and grandfather, and he was deeply in love with his wife. Family is a great comfort.
You’re right, Barbara is going to miss him very, very much.
I’m very sad to hear of your father in law’s passing, Mals. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Thanks so much, Joan.
You and your family have my deepest condolences, I understand what you have been going through. Gaze is very wise: “He’s not hurting anymore. And we’ll see him again.”
Thanks, Patty.
(Gaze is capable of great peace of the soul, and I admire that about him. You know how it is – each kid has at least one personality aspect that you think is amazing? That’s one of his.)
Oh, Mals, I’m so very sorry to hear this (was out of town for a day or two). My heart hurts for you.
I know it’s never easy bu you can take comfort in the fact that he had a good, long life and was well-loved. I hope your fond memories will help you through this. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks very much, Ann. We’ll miss him a lot.
Oh, I’m so sorry I did not see this earlier —( had computer issues all week, including a hard drive crash, lost everything).
I know it is a difficult time for you and your family and you will be in my prayers and thoughts. Love and light to you.
Thanks, Connie.
So sorry about your computer! Grrrrrr. How frustrating.
Mals,
My condolences to you and your family. Take care of your MIL and take care of yourself! Sounds like Bill had a wonderful life, full of love and purpose.
xoA
Thanks, A. He had a full life and a lot of friends, and though we’ll miss him, it’s a tribute to how terrific he was.
Adding my condolences. When my mother died a few years ago, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant’ was said at he funeral. There really could be no higher tribute, or mark of respect to the the person that has passed, than that.
You’re right, AM. “Good and faithful servant” is what we should all be aiming for, right? And he hit that mark.
My condolences to you and your family as well. I am so sorry about his passing. He sounded liked a wonderful man. I hope your husband and mother-in-law are doing okay, although I know it is hard for them.
Thanks, T. They are doing pretty well at the moment. This morning The CEO said that he knows it will hit him later in the month when our daughter has her birthday party, and her grandpa won’t be in his usual chair.
GO BOOKWORM!!!!!
Bookworm ROCKS.